Home' Nova West : June 2010 Contents Being
© NOVA JUNE 2010
Here's what we can aspire to and,
no, they're not too idealistic but totally
A good partner:
❤ Approaches a relationship with the
desire to share, not out of need.
❤ Takes responsibility for their own
hangups, issues, insecurities and
emotional baggage, not dumping them
on the other.
❤ Is not threatened by the other's
individuality, dreams and successes,
instead revelling in supporting them.
❤ Is a complete person who has strong
and healthy self esteem, so able to
love without dependence.
❤ Maintains clear boundaries, allowing
Relationships with counsellor Dr Charmaine Saunders.
and taking emotional freedom without
fear, pettiness or jealousy.
❤ Listens to the other, not because they
have to but out of interest and a true
desire to understand and help.
❤ Wishes to operate as an equal team
member, not looking to be either
dominating or dominated.
❤ Rises above stereotypical role playing,
instead striving to be adaptive and
❤ Genuinely wants the other to be
personally and individually happy, not
just within the relationship; never
hindering freedom of expression,
thought or choice.
❤ Accepts and offers real honesty, even
with uncomfortable truths.
❤ Doesn't judge and criticise even when
they disagree with the other's ideas,
choices or behaviour.
❤ Is willing to offer and receive
❤ Is willing to be a full partner, sharing
and dreaming together, socialising,
talking, playing, making love, but
never being possessive.
❤ Refuses to take responsibility for
the other's emotional problems and
issues while still being considerate
❤ Is loving, affectionate and considerate
with no reward or kudos in mind.
❤ Knows when to ask for help and
when to stand alone.
❤ Truly respects the other as a separate,
❤ After disagreements or fights, is willing
to admit if they're wrong and willing
to forgive if they're not, with no
❤ Accepts constructive criticism with
humility and an openness to change
❤ Knows the importance of praise and
the power of laughter.
To sum up, a true partner loves
without walls, with open arms, willing
ears and a generous spirit.
TV psychologist Dr Phil says we
should always be "a soft place for our
partner to land". That says it all.
QHello, I have been dating this
guy for two years who has
a 15 year old daughter. His
relationship with his daughter has
only become closer because of my
involvement. He used to see her one day
during the weekend and at times that
seemed to be a struggle.
He lives in a two bedroom apartment
and the second bedroom was stacked
to the rim with his stuff. He had a single
bed beside his just in case she ever
wanted to stay the night. I pushed him to
clean up the second bedroom and make it
into a room for her. She now has her own
room! She loves it.
Recently, the mother called and wants
him to take her every Thursday and drop
her off at school every Monday. I think
it's important and great that he has this
time with her, but I also feel like I work
all week and now we can't do anything,
just the two of us on my days and
nights off. No romantic dinners or nights
out. Is this wrong of me to feel like
this?A No, you're not wrong. After
break ups, it is always tricky
terrain between parents and new
partners. You seem to be trying really
hard to be very reasonable and even
helpful in a practical way. Perhaps your
guy has now made his home a bit too
comfortable and the mother is taking
advantage. It's quite unusual for one
parent in a split family to have the child
every weekend, especially an extended
weekend such as being proposed, because
for most people that is their only leisure
What would be fairer is to alternate
that arrangement so that at least every
second week, the two of you can have
some alone time. These plans are always
open to negotiation, so the important
thing is for your fellow to stand his
ground without being combative. If he
just gives in, what's to say the demands
wouldn't increase even further?
Compromise and clear communication
is called for here as in most relationship
issues. You need to stop doubting
yourself and your guy needs to fight
his corner for the good of himself, his
daughter and your relationship.
continued page 25
Charmaine is willing to answer your relationship questions
to appear in NOVA Magazine, both in print and online.
Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
What makes a man or woman
a good love and marriage
partner? Is it a special
gene, is it learnt in life's
school of hard knocks or is it just trial
and error? One thing's for sure -- love
is only the beginning, the foundation
of a relationship; the rest is plain hard
Relationship skills can be learnt. But
what should we aim for? What makes
us good and loving partners? Not just
enduring - longevity is not the only
gauge of a successful relationship, not
even the best one.
Quality is assessed by fulfilment,
honest communication, respect, trust
Focus on your future
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