Home' Nova National : February 2011 Contents 21
in palm readings, and even what little
writing I did was aimed at an audience.
I extended thought, compassion,
sympathy to all but me.
This summer solstice just past, my
best girlfriend and I got together to make
our annual Wish Collages for the coming
year. We opted for working with the
goddess Kuan Yin -- goddess of mercy,
children, mothers, sailors, and those who
journey in all sorts of ways.
Several days before the ritual, I felt
myself softening. I'd had a big year of
travel, family (an 18th, a graduation, a
21st, a beginning of tertiary studies, a
wedding), career (stopping teaching
belly dance, starting teaching yoga), and
I was tired, sore, frazzled to the point of
No enthusiasm for Christmas, holidays,
not even for the books I'd accumulated
all year for a reading frenzy. All I wanted to
do was lie on the couch, watch old movies,
and eat chocolate and chips.
My hobbies had become chores.
Must. get. stronger. for. pole. dancing. Must.
get. better. at yoga. Must. read. uplifting.
I let myself watch all the old movies
I wanted. Damn, but Bette Davis plays
the bitch well. Sean Connery is still the
best Bond. Charlton Heston really knew
his chariot racing. I ate some chocolate
and chips and satisfied the craving.
Slowly, my body unwound itself. I
didn't quite become Homer Simpson, but
it was a close thing there for a week. Good
thing I don't drink beer.
My daily marches for fitness became
meandering walks with the dog. We
stopped to sniff flowers, chase birds, and
enjoy the sunshine. I opted not to join
him in his appreciation of poop wherever
he found it. We met other dogs and their
owners. There were informal play dates
in parks. I let myself have all the time
the pooch needed for his socialising.
In ritual, instead of a few meagre
pieces of lavash, and glasses of water, my
girlfriend and I had cups of tea, chocolate,
lavash, and whatever else we thought
was good. We laughed a lot, found daring
and inappropriate pictures to give each
other ("Go on, put that on your board, I
dare you." "I am NOT putting a picture
of a naked woman on there. Gods only
know what I'd manifest." "She has a lovely
body, it might inspire you weight-wise."
"Or I could just feel inadequate all year.
Hmmm, I'll pass, and continue on my
little chubby way."), and talked about
compassion towards ourselves.
Quite honestly, I've had enough of
proving to myself that I'm interesting,
and of use. In the past, to ensure that
I'm fascinating, I've done extreme things.
Belly dance, pole dance, tarot, extreme
ironing, sky diving. I'm set to do some
extraordinary things again this year -- caring
for elephants in Thailand, a wonderful
poetry intensive in Wellfleet, Mass, USA,
the world science fiction convention
in Reno, and maybe the Vomit Comet
experience too (zero-g in a specially
designed aeroplane). However, it will
be more about my own curiosity, and
looking at the personal experience of
these things, the effect on my mind and
soul. Some of them I may never open up
for public consumption.
To be of use, I've worked service jobs
I hated, given blood when exhausted,
headed up committees and protest
marches. I've lead groups, seminars, panel
discussions. I've filled in for dancers who
came down with flu, become an advocate
for my own children, started LETSystems.
No wonder I'm tired.
If my controlling, leader-bound
Capricorn self can let go of the reins for
a while, I'll see where my seahorses lead
me, and I might even get there faster
than if I'd climbed out and pushed till I
strained. I'm still not sure where I'm going.
There's still no clear vision of five years
down the track, or even next week.
For the first time, that might be okay.
To go with the flow, rather than try to
direct the flow. To drift and dream. I see
that my Wish Collage has a unicorn
spreading itself across half the board. I've
no idea why it's there. I'm in the centre of
my life, at age 47. Perhaps the unicorn is
the virgin second half of my life, opening
up of its own accord. I'm willing to
accept its magick, however it presents.
If the unicorn can be gentle and kind
to me, perhaps I can be, also.
© NOVA FEBRUARY 2011
'My daily marches for fitness became meandering
walks with the dog.'
'To go with the flow, rather than try to direct the flow.
To drift and dream.'
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