Home' Nova West : April 2011 Contents 13
She buys books by the score and
watches old movies on DVD.
She believes she has earned this life,
that she's pushed as hard as she's ever
going to, paid off her karma, and deserves
a blinking good rest.
I could become her, so easily.
There is the woman who is ambitious.
Who would, if she could, conquer every
mountain set before her. She has already
done so much. Launched straight from
owning a tarot deck, to professional
reader. From learning the basics of
astrology to teaching it at neighbourhood
houses. Never having a hobby that doesn't
earn money. Telling herself she's of use
in the world, an agent of Spirit.
She will not be content until she's
a combination of Doreen Virtue, Bryce
Courtenay, Oprah, and Bill Bryson. There
must be bestsellers, brand names, and
television interviews in her future, if only
she could work out what it is she will be
famous for. So she tries out everything,
hoping something will resonate.
I have within me a family woman, a
mother, nurturer, giver, grower of living
things. A burgeoning garden, four cats,
one puppy, and two children. I have
been advocate for rights for the hearing
impaired (both kids), the autistic (one
kid), animal activist (no, I wouldn't like to
see my pets experimented on).
I have mentored friends to follow
their dreams, and been a saggy shoulder
to cry on.
I take great joy when one of my kids
demonstrates knowledge or skill that I
have no clue about. They are no longer
extensions of me, but their own people,
getting out there, living lives I could not
have imagined for them.
I love it when I plant strawberry
leavings, and pumpkin vines come up
instead. How did that happen?
I love lying in bed, with cats curled
like heating pads around me, and hearing
family move around the kitchen.
A little girl told me not so long ago
that I looked padded, like a grandma
should. It gave a trendy friend of mine,
similar age, conniption fits. I don't mind
being seen as a grandma in training.
Most of the time. She does.
Behind the mother, is the female
nomad. The woman who rebels against
owning things. I grumped mightily when
we moved to a bigger house and my
husband and daughter teamed up to Shop.
My house now contains a large brown
lounge suite, a big flat screen TV, and
sundry other big items.
In my fantasy, I live in a wooden
yurt, with a bed, a yoga mat, and sunlight
streaming in every morning. I lean out
my window and pick fresh fruits.
I can pick up and go whenever I
want, wander the world, with backpack,
and well worn sandals.
Deep under all these women, is the
angry teen who wants nothing more than
to dress in black, make the three finger
sign at AC/DC concerts, wear steampunk,
and be all hardcore and hard.
The young woman who sees injustice,
and inhumanity and hates it. This is
the young woman who gets herself
chained to trees in forests, and buys the
occasional piece of punk clothing. She
signs petitions, questions authority, and
I asked a scientist what happened if
you combined 50 shadows. Would they
then have weight, substance, mass?
He said no, because there would still
only be one shadow.
Which one, then, is the true shadow
of me? None of them.
My spiritual name contains the word
"Satya" which means "truth". As I become
more transparent, more my truthful self,
as I age, I cannot have shadows, for the
light streams through me. Instead, I have
facets, sides, that at various times are
turned to the light, or not.
I have facets I have not spoken of
here, and would not. Even a diamond
has aspects that are not often seen.
None of them is evil, or bad, an
idea often associated with the shadow.
They just are.
Perhaps I am all shadow, and there is
no real "me". Perhaps I am a light catcher
flashing sides. I contain multitudes, as
poet Walt Whitman once said. From infrared
to ultraviolet and beyond, all the aspects of
the spectrum, and more.
A rainbow does not have a shadow. ●
© NOVA APRIL 2011
'In my fantasy, I live in a wooden yurt, with a bed, a yoga mat,
and sunlight streaming in every morning.'
'She will not be content until she's a combination of Doreen Virtue,
Bryce Courtenay, Oprah, and Bill Bryson.'
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